Like so many, growing up in my family was challenging, without the sensitivity, care, and love that I craved, and needed. I learned to be very self-sufficient and became exceedingly good at not only taking care of myself, but also taking care of others. It was a useful tactic to feel valuable, and even wanted… for a while. And, like all things without a solid foundation, it was not sustainable.

 

As an adult, in my ongoing attempt to find security and get the love I desperately wanted, I married: first, to an alcoholic, and then, to someone who was never fully committed or two feet in. For the over-achiever in me, these situations fit. I kept trying and working hard and accepting scraps… at the expense of abandoning my own needs, and myself.

 

I was single for many years, and when I landed myself in another relationship, not knowing whether to stay or leave, I still felt like a victim of my family system: estranged from my mother, disconnected from my twin sister, and longing for more genuineness with my father.

I had survived cancer, gotten a degree, even started my own business, but for what purpose?

I still felt empty and discouraged. 

 

Did life really need to be this lonely and hard? What was I doing wrong?

 

I kept diligently trying without seeming to make any real progress or significant changes, and I couldn’t get off the proverbial hamster wheel. It seemed like life, and especially good relationships, weren't on my side. My days were filled with angst, struggle, and depression... and yet, a small part of me endured, the part that wanted something different and knew there was more. Fortunately, it was big enough to spark a flame within me.

 

I wanted to live and thrive, but didn't really know how. So I started learning. 

 

As I began to see myself more clearly, I reclaimed my sensitivity and explored my own patterns of scarcity and self-abandonment in relationship – where they came from and how they were still playing out. And I got clearer. I left my current situation. I practiced and studied and shared what I was learning with anyone who would listen. Through a lot of tears, deep investigation, shifts in perspective, and remarkable insights I began to find my way. 

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Finding my own way.   

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expanding    exploring    sharing

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I am now closer to the life I envision for myself. While the years spent as a capable, strong, independent woman gave me some sense of value and self-worth, and belief in my abilities, at times that independence actually hurt more than it helped me. What looked like confidence on the outside has become a genuine seed of self-assuredness and acceptance growing within me and I’m more comfortable in my own skin than ever before, willing to share real vulnerabilities and real strengths, instead of being neutral and playing it safe.

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This is an ongoing process that still takes practice, and self-care, every day. But instead of feeling like life is against me, I see it as a rich road inviting me to journey on… and navigate the challenges, relational and otherwise, as a way to grow and reap the rewards while learning to love bigger, along the way.